So, it has been two weeks since I have written anything. And I don’t want people to think I have lost steam. I haven’t. This blog, and this community is extremely important to me. Some of you who know me might understand the reasons why I become quiet at times. Some of you don’t. So I wanted to explain it to all my new followers…
As I have touched on in earlier posts, I have had health issues my whole life. Unfortunately, navigating through them often becomes my full-time job. I have a list as long as your arm of all the diagnoses that I have collected over the years. The names of them don’t seem as important as the symptoms. I suffer from severe and debilitating chronic pain. I have for many years. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Every minute of every hour of every day, I am in intense pain. During flares, it can become the type of pain that can leave your lungs deflated, your knuckles white, and your words muted. I try to work through it the best I can, but there are days, weeks, and even months that it gets the best of me. Even though I am a fighter, I can only fight for so long before I acknowledge that I might be losing this round, and I retreat back into my corner. I am never completely out for the count though. I just need to take a time out to regroup, every once in awhile. After many years of horrific guilt, I have finally accepted that self-care isn’t selfish. It is how I can get back to giving myself freely to the people I love the most. It isn’t indulgent. It is necessary. And this is why…
PAIN changes who you are when it punctuates every sentence, controls every step, and draws every breath you take. It becomes the clouded and distorted lens that you see everything through. Pain is a thief that robs you of your personality. Pain is a liar that would like you to believe that you are the perpetrator and not the victim. It tells you that you are less than… insufficient… faulty… broken… and NOT ever enough.
It takes up all of your space.
It takes away all of your power.
It screams so violently loud you can barely hear yourself think.
It is part of my story. It is part of this journey. So it is important for me to be as honest and as vulnerable as I can, and let you in….
Sometimes pain might think it is winning. But I am stronger than it, or anyone gives me credit for, even me.
So please excuse my silence, as it is when I am quiet, that I am fighting my hardest to get back to you.
– Jolene 💜